One day listening to a talk show on the radio, (yes, I listen to talk radio sometimes,) the conversation turned to genealogy. I turned it up and listened closer. A woman had called the talk show to tell the host that while doing genealogy she had found her grandfather's illegitimate child, and she wanted to tell her mother about this half-sister. She thought that it would be nice to tell her mother there was a sister out there. Her only problem was, should she wait till her grandmother was gone to tell her mother. The talk show host came un-glued and yelled at the woman to get another hobby and what made her think she had the right to change the view of the world for her mother by destroying the image of her grandfather for the sake of a hobby. The caller made noise about the rights of the illegitimate child to know about her family, and the comment was made back that she had no right at all. If the grandfather had wanted to know her he would have done something about it, and it sounded like a new hobby was in order.

At first I was upset with the talk show host deriding my hobby of genealogy. Then the more I thought about it the more I agreed with her. When is it right to intrude upon another life? When is it right to use your skill as a researcher and put adoptee and biological parents together? To be accurate genealogy is the study of ancestors, and the recording of descents from an ancestor, not the search for living relatives.

I had similar questions to answer when I started the search for my mother's half siblings. I was sure they knew about us, as I had grown up knowing about them. My grandfather had freely shared photos of them with my aunt. Still I did not begin searching until I had permission from everyone in my family. My decision was search, with luck find, and if they wanted nothing to do with me, leave it alone. Happily my search turned up 3 wonderful people who have been warm and wonderfully accepting of the situation. One of them had known about us. Asking them now, if I did the right thing, they said absolutely.

Every situation is different when dealing with putting adoptee and parents together. Most genealogists I talk to tell me that they would not just hand over information. They would act as a go-between and find out if the parent wanted contact. If after a private conversation with both parties, it is found that one does not want contact, there is no contact. I have often asked adoptee children what they are looking for. If they say medical history and nothing else, I tell them to get some DNA testing done and post their info on every adoptee board around. DNA testing is much cheaper than a really tough search for a birth parent. If the parent is interested they will be looking on-line eventually. I also ask an adoptee about their childhood. Do they have nice parents? Do they have a good support system? Is anyone against them looking for their bio family? Sometimes adopting parents know more than they have let on to their child about the natural parents, and they may not wish to destroy the image of a wonderful person who lovingly gave up a child. Not every person who has placed a child for adoption wants contact with the child. I tell the adoptee they have to know there parent did love them. After all, they were given the gift of life, when there are other options open. For a parent looking for adopted children there are other questions. I never look if the child is younger than 18-20 years old. And then I would not contact the child, I would prefer to contact the adopting parents. As a stranger to the family, one has no idea of the circumstances of the child. The child might not even know they are adopted. Interference could do harm in this case. It is better the child never know than harm come to them. I would also at that point warn the parents the biological parent is looking for their child, and that I would not contact them again or give the biological parent any leading information if that is what the parent wanted.

Back to the situation where grandfather had an affair. I would say there is no reason for these people to be connected, and certainly no good genealogical reason. Proof of parentage is not something the person is likely to find with a "love child". This woman did not say her half aunt had a birth certificate with her grandfathers name on it, she just "looked" like her mother. I would say there is no way this person should continue contact with the grandfather's "love child" in this situation. Furthermore she should make every attempt to discourage the person from contacting her mother. There is nothing to be gained from this sort of contact.

Genealogists do not take an oath like doctors when they become genealogists. Most are not even certified. There should be standards for using your skill as a genealogist. Should we really use all of our skills and knowledge to find the living? Privacy of the living is important with genealogy. Look at any major web site dealing with genealogy. If there is no death date and the person is younger than 100 years old, their information is usually blocked. If you want this information you have to contact the submitter to find it.

I think that the moral genealogist should think about what they are doing before going out and willy-nilly disrupt peopleĀ‘s lives. There are a lot of things we can do, but should we do them just because we can. Always keep in mind the issue of privacy when you are doing your genealogy. It does not matter if you are looking for living people or making a web page with your little nieces and nephews on it. They have the right to privacy. Putting their information out in the wide world is a violation of that privacy. My hope is this article will make all genealogists take a private oath to think before they act.

By Genzi, Dec 21, 2000